April 27, 2015

Today I'm not really writing this for it to be read but just to get it out. I didn't want to post about this on my typical social media (instagram or facebook or anything) so... here's some unrelated mess.

uh warning for family death and sad thoughts i guess

This Saturday, the 25th, my grandmother passed away. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but August of 2013, she had a stroke which left her half paralyzed, unable to talk, and landed in a nursing home. Since then, we've been preparing for this time, but even still...

I thought she would have died sooner. Within a year. Or something. It would have been better that way, I think. When we were all still prepared mentally.

mahm stahp asking me if i'm doing my homework. i did half of it. i'll get to it >3> busy having feels rn 

But since she passed the year mark, and half year mark, I was getting kind of hopeful. "Hm. Maybe she'll stick around until I'm a junior. Or I graduate. ... Maybe. She's always been weirdly healthy." She got pneumonia for a second time recently. We thought she'd be okay. And then she just, without warning... passed on...

The worst part was that none of my family was around at the time. How could any of us been there? There was no warning about it. Ah... but I wish I could have seen her one last time. The last time I saw her was in March. She didn't have the energy to open her eyes. So she couldn't really see us much either. 

guys i really want to cry but i'm supposed to be doing my homework so that'd be weird if i started crying over spanish wouldn't it 

I still haven't seen her body... the funeral's tomorrow, so then I'll see it, I guess... I'm so afraid I'll start crying on the spot. And if you know me, that's like "wtf jeenso crying real tears? ?? lmao no" but no i had a cry session with my mom today and i felt bad for crying because my mom just loST HER MOM so i can't possibly miss my grandmother as much as mom misses her mother. 

and then i started thinking about the day my mom would die and that always makes me sad bc i love my parents too much. I know that when they finally die I will probably cry for days. Even if I'm like, 30 or 40 by that time. 

i was a really morbid kid bc i always thought of my parents dying like what kind of sick kid thinks of such sad things 
no wonder i was a sad child

this isn't an appropriate thing to post on deviantart at all but i just wanted to let it out. sorry. 

but yeah. the reality that her soul is no longer presiding on earth didn't really process yet. i don't want to see her lifeless body. even when she was practically a vegetable in the nursing home, at least she still had thoughts and processed things. ...

I suppose this timing was the best, though. She'd been doing nothing but eat and sleep for a year and a half. I guess she gave up. I hope she's happier now. And more occupied, bc i'd be hella bored too...

another thing is that i never really spoke much to her bc ya kno she only knows korean and i can't say worth a dang in korean so i couldn't really respond to her even though i knew what she was saying (most of the time i didn't anyway). i just really really hope she knew that we all loved her a lot even though we could barely ever see her. we never visited much after i was like 10 up to the time she had the stroke.

i can't think of a logical reason to be sad. she's in a better place. she's watching over us. she's with my grandfather and her deceased children again... the only explanation is that i'll miss her but i've always thought that was a selfish reason to hold on to dead people. and cry about. death is really only bad for people that the deceased person leaves behind.

ugh and on wednesday we're going to bury her and 
and oh my god i don't want to put her in the ground and cover her in dirt 
and
shit i'm going to cry 

ahh. 

I'm sorry. I'll delete this later. 


but if you dID read this, i hope you guys are having a good week... the weather was p alright around here. 
i'm missing all of class 'cept firday this week
that's gonna suck to make up
oh well

Yeah. Bye. I hope you all are well, at least c: